


Eidolon

by notkai



Series: Shameless [3]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: (sort of), Abstract, Angst, Break Up, Genderfluid Character, High School AU, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Other, Past Relationship(s), Possibly Unrequited Love, Romantic Tension, Trans Character, alternatively titled: in which i make hansol cry a lot, i love how thats a tag, implied polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-08-31 11:02:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8575813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notkai/pseuds/notkai
Summary: Hansol had grown used to the rain.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> shit alright so i'm still hella emo about taeyang, but i'm also hella emo for rainy day, i love it so much but it made me think of taeyang so i decided to write something super vague and sad. remember that this is part of a loosely connected verse in which they (hansol, yooncheul, and taeyang) are all high schoolers so this isn't meant to be about taeyang leaving the group, bc there is no group here. he's just gone. you can see it as cheating or character death or whatever you want. also am i spelling yooncheul's name wrong???? everyone else spells it yoonchul but i swear to shit it's spelled yooncheul??? last thing this is super short im really sorry but im lowkey inspired to do something multichaptered so maybe look for that in the future

Hansol had grown used to hearing the gentle patter of rain on rooftops, had grown used to the damp chill that had settled in the marrow of his bones. The pavement was perpetually covered with misty reflections of the grey buildings and the grey mosaic of the cloudy sky. He had grown used to feeling the raindrops seek into the cracks of his lips and form constellations on his eyelashes, no matter how low he wore his hood.

He was convinced it would never stop raining.

It was inescapable, even indoors. The rain filled the house with a dim, murky light that couldn't be banished by lamps or candles. The sound of rain against his bedroom window lulled Hansol to sleep, and woke him up to raindrops of his own staining his pillow.

His bed was cold.

No matter how much he layered up, no matter how high he cranked the heat, there was still a frost that permeated from the empty space in the sheets next to him, reminding him of the warmth that used to be there. Yooncheul slept with him most nights, because they needed the comfort just as much as he did, but it wasn't the same. They both felt it.

A ringing in his ears had replaced the silence that took up residence after his boyfriend's voice left along with the rest of him. Now, what felt like an eternity later but couldn't have been more than ten days, ten days since he'd first woken up with a sore throat from crying in his sleep and his carpet soaked from accidentally leaving the window open, the ringing had been replaced with the gentle melody of raindrops on concrete.

He'd spent more than a few afternoons sitting on the cold pavement of the curb, soaked to the bone and often with tears trickling down his face, so lost in his own thoughts that he hardly noticed when a car nearly ran over his feet. Every now and then, the fog would shift in such away that it created an apparition resembling the outline of his boyfriend, and Hansol's heart would skip a beat and he'd think maybe he's coming back, but it was never him. He never came back.

Hansol hated the rain.

He hated the rain in the same way that he hated the way his heart would ache when he realized he'd set the table for three people instead of two, when he would think about the memories he had with Taeyang and Yooncheul. He hated the empty feeling in the palms of his hands that was normally filled with Taeyang's touch.

Every single night, before going to bed, Hansol would close his misty eyes and whisper, "Goodnight, Tae. I love you."

He knew he would never get used to not hearing it back.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rain continued to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH SHIT GUESS WHO'S BACK FOR MORE!!! I started writing the next segment and it ended up being a continuation of this, even though I didn't mean for any of these to be chaptered. Also, this is completely unbeta'd. Proofreading? Never heard of it. My thanks goes out to everyone who's read and/or kudos'd this series, it really means a lot to me. Without further ado, more sad Hansol!

Hansol, to be blunt, felt like shit.

Currently he was sitting outside his front door, sheltered from the drizzling rain by the small roof overhang that jutted out from the house just far enough to keep him dry. His sketchbook sat open on his lap, a slowly growing sketch of a sobbing girl spreading across the page. His movements were slow, lethargic; he felt like someone had poured concrete into his veins and it now took an immense amount of effort simply to raise his arm. He had meant to finish the drawing, but his thoughts drifted away from the page in front of him and refused to be reigned back in. He kept thinking about Taeyang.

Now, two-ish weeks since Hansol had first cried himself to sleep in Yooncheul's arms, his thoughts of Taeyang were no longer accompanied by overwhelming sadness or tears. A sort of numbness filled him, and was supplemented by a pang of sadness whenever Taeyang crossed his mind. He perpetually felt drained, no matter how much sleep he did or didn't get. Yooncheul was exhibiting some of the same behavior, although it seemed to be affecting Hansol more.

Yooncheul was a logical person, and that played to their advantage during times of grieving. They had patience and perspective, and it enabled them to see past the tragedy of the present moment and know that as time passed, they would be alright. They weren't ashamed to grieve, to receive comfort or to give it. Hansol, on the other hand, was emotional and let his mind differ to his heart in most cases. The pain of Taeyang's absence wrapped its cold fingers around Hansol, and he felt like he'd be trapped in its grip forever.

"You'll get sick if you stay out here, you know."

Yooncheul's sudden voice startled Hansol, who was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he hadn't noticed the other taking a seat on the pavement beside him. The soothing cadence of the raindrops filled the silence between them.

Yooncheul glanced at Hansol's sketchbook, pursing their lips when they saw the drawing. They tapped the page lightly with their index finger. "What happened to her?" They asked.

Hansol swallowed hard and looked down at the page. "She's cursed," He answered, curling in on himself a bit to keep warm. "She made a promise, one she couldn't keep, to a sorceress in order to save her dying daughter. Once the sorceress found out that she couldn't uphold her end of the bargain, she placed the woman in some sort of spirit-limbo world, where she can only see the suffering of her loved ones but can't do anything to help them."

"So does the curse extend to her family, or is it all some illusion created by the sorceress?"

"It's an illusion. Really, her loved ones are fine, but the curse makes her see them as suffering." Hansol murmured, tapping the edge of the page with his pencil. He fell silent for a moment, his hair concealing his eyes from view, before whispering, "I really miss him."

Yooncheul bit their lip, sighing softly and wrapping their arm around Hansol's shoulder. "I know, baby. I miss him too."

"Why did he leave, Cheullie?" Hansol looked up at his boyfriend, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Were we not enough for him? W-Was he lying when he said that he loved us?"

"I don't know." Yooncheul replied honestly. They stared at the sky, watching the rain fall. "I don't believe that he was trying to deceive us, though. I believe he really did love us, just as much as he loved him. But I imagine his desire for independence got in the way of that." Hansol nodded as he listened. "Regardless of the reason, it won't change the fact that he's gone now. I think what's best for both of us is to stop worrying about him as much- why he left, where he went, all that stuff. Wherever he is, hopefully he's happier now and made the right decision. But it was his decision to make, not ours. For us...I think we just have to work towards forgiving him."

"How can we forgive him when he didn't do anything wrong?" Hansol murmured.

Yooncheul paused for a moment before answering. "I don't think forgiveness has to strictly apply to the aftermath of someone making a mistake or hurting someone. Forgiveness is all about letting go of anger and resentment after something has happened, and I feel like that applies to this situation. You don't seem angry, really, but you definitely sound a bit resentful. It's not fair to yourself or to Taeyang to be carrying that in your heart. I feel like forgiving him, even when he did nothing wrong, is a step towards healing."

Hansol rested his head on Yooncheul's shoulder. "You know, I try to reserve the philosophical lectures for after dinner."

Yooncheul blushed and gave Hansol a playful shove. "You know what I mean, you dork," They teased, tapping the tip of Hansol's nose and smiling wistfully when he complained about it. "I miss him too. And we're both gonna be missing him for a while. But a few months down the road, we'll not even be thinking about him."

They paused, staring out into the rain.

"This may have knocked us down, but we'll get back up."


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment, Hansol can feel the rain pooling in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STRAP YOURSELVES IN KIDDOS BC ITS TIME FOR AN ADVENTURE yeah this was only meant to be one chapter but someone suggested i make it long and angsty so that's what im gonna do!! the chapters are already inconsistent in terms of how abstract they are, but i'll probably make them mostly like this- little to no dialogue, emphasis on thoughts and emotions as opposed to in the moment actions. sort of a writing exercise i guess? who knows it might be a mixed bag.  
> also that one line about the nurse's office is a cheeky reference to something i havent posted yet whoops  
> please enjoy!!

It takes time, but Hansol's heart finally begins to heal. He's able to sleep through the night more often, he spends time with friends from his chemistry class. For the first time in what feels like a long time, he begins taking Yooncheul on dates. He learns to smile again, despite the foggy image of Taeyang in the back of his head.

For a long time, Hansol can't stop thinking of Taeyang. He wonders where he is now- he wonders if Taeyang is happy, if he misses them, if he still smokes, or if he still bites his lips when he's nervous. Yooncheul, who seems to have an endless supply of patience, listens intently as Hansol rants about the thoughts and questions that plague him. But despite his boyfriend's advice and comfort, Hansol decides to seek out a fresh set of ears.

He spends a night at Byungjoo's house, playing Overwatch with him and monologuing about Taeyang. Byungjoo is uncharacteristically quiet as Hansol drains his well of worries, and he concludes that it's the radio silence from Taeyang that's causing the problems. There are too many questions left unanswered for Hansol to reach a decent level of closure. And since he's not getting answers anytime soon, Byungjoo advises that he moves on.

It's the same advice that Yooncheul has been giving him for a while. Hansol knows he ought to listen to them, but he finds it excruciatingly difficult to do so with the threat of a manufactured romance hanging over his head. Scenarios that he previously would have never considered begin to poison his thoughts- he wonders if Taeyang was with them just for the sex, or the attention. But in the end, something inside of Hansol knows that what he and Yooncheul shared with Taeyang wasn't artificial.  
It's time for him to move on.

Weeks continue to pass, and as Yooncheul predicted, the thought of Taeyang begins to disappear. The apparition that appears whenever Hansol closes his eyes begins to dissolve.  
Everything is fine until he sees a simple instagram post from Taeyang.

It catches him completely offguard- Hansol had simply been fooling around on his explore page when a selfie from an account name he's never seen before fills his screen. It's Taeyang, there's no way it can't be him. There's no caption, nothing obviously happening in the picture- it's just a selfie.

It's his smile that hurts the most. When Hansol sees Taeyang's smile, he sees what they used to be. The smile takes him back to holding hands in the darkness of a movie theater, to kissing each other briefly before going to class, to that dumbass grin Taeyang would flash him every time Hansol picked him up from the nurse's office.

For a moment, Hansol can feel the rain pooling in his hands, light bouncing off of its reflective surface. But no matter how hard he tries to hold onto it, the liquid slips from between his fingers, leaving him empty-handed. The sky opens up once more, but no matter how much rain falls, the droplets are only in his grasp for a moment before splattering against the concrete.

A day later, Hansol spends two hours at a local phone repair shop to fix his newly cracked screen.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not only is the rain gone, but the sun has left as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i love making hansol cry? the world may never know

There's a plain white length of gauze wrapped around Hansol's palm from where he cut himself by picking shards of glass from his phone screen off the countertop. Yooncheul asks about it the second they walk into Hansol's house after school one afternoon, but Hansol simply shakes his head. He looks beyond exhausted, enervated in both body and mind. It takes some prodding, but Hansol eventually explains the origin of the wound to Yooncheul. They can't say they're surprised when the story is over.

They spend the next couple hours with Hansol, arm wrapped around his shoulder as the two watch stand-up comedians on Netflix. Eventually, though, Yooncheul breaks the silence between them.

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Hansol."

Immediately, their boyfriend sits up straight, nearly headbutting Yooncheul as he does so. His weary eyes have become sharp with worry as he gazes at Yooncheul, waiting for the elder to continue. Yooncheul clears their throat and focuses their gaze on a patch of carpet, not exactly sure how to proceed. "I, um, I went to see a doctor recently. A psychiatrist, I mean. And- this isn't gonna be a surprise to you- but I was, uh, I was diagnosed with depression."

Hansol nods, the anticipatory anxiety in his eyes melting away. "Do you wanna talk about it, babe?"

The pet name strikes a sour chord in Yooncheul's heart. "I- no, I, um, I went to see a therapist a couple days after seeing the psychiatrist. We talked about a lot of things- my home life, school, gender, that sort of stuff- but, um, we also talked about the whole relationship problem, with Taeyang leaving and everything." Once again, Hansol nods. Yooncheul notices the way his shoulders tense a bit at the mention of Taeyang and almost regrets bringing it up.

"I talked about how it's been affecting the both of us- especially you," Yooncheul begins softly, eyes locked on a spot just above Hansol's collarbone. "Um, sometimes- actually a lot of the time, when I'm around people who are depressed or upset about something, it can sort of start to affect my own mental health." They hurry on before Hansol can say anything. "Please don't take this personally, baby. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for how you're dealing with Taeyang leaving or trying to tell you that you should change your reaction. I don't want you to feel guilty about anything, okay? But I- I need to be honest with you about how this is impacting me." Yooncheul tries their best to ignore how Hansol's eyes have become glossy with tears. It's a look they've been seeing far too often over the past couple months. "Just- the combination of Taeyang leaving and having you lean on me is- it's starting to wear on my emotional state."

Hansol bites his lip and nods, swallowing hard. "I get it."

Guilt floods Yooncheul as they continue to speak, trying to remedy the situation. "There's no good way for me to say this, Hansol. But the whole thing is emotionally draining- and I know it is for you, as well." They pause once more. "I think we should take a break."

Hansol nods jerkily, shoulders shaking with repressed sobs. His head is bowed, his hair covering his eyes, but Yooncheul doesn't need to see his face to know that Hansol is trying not to cry. "I- I understand. I'm sorry, Chullie."

"God, I-" Yooncheul sighed, running a hand through their hair. "I'm sorry. I really am, Hansol. I love you and I care about you more than anything. But I've got to look after myself as well. I don't want to break up with your or stop talking with you, but I think a little space would be beneficial right now. Okay?"

A soft murmur of consent leaves Hansol's lips. He reaches up and wipes his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Yooncheul notices with a sinking feeling that the sweatshirt used to belong to Taeyang. He wonders if Hansol notices it, too. 

"I should probably go." Yooncheul says, reaching over and pulling Hansol into a gentle hug. "I'm sorry, babe."

Despite the facts that his legs are shaking, Hansol stands up and walks Yooncheul to the door, offering him a sad smile. "I'll, uh-" The sentence is cut painfully short when Hansol realizes he has no way to end it. 

"I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?" Yooncheul supplies, keeping their voice soft, as if they're talking to a cornered animal. "I love you, babe."

"I love you too." Yooncheul walks out, and Hansol closes the door behind him.

He falls to his knees and begins to sob. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hansol finds shelter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really tried to make this longer than normal but alas, its still short as fuck sorry

It didn't surprised Byungjoo that Hansol ended up on his couch, an untouched mug of tea in his hands and eyes focused on a patch of carpet. He had always been the one that Hansol went to for comfort and advice, at least before he started dating Taeyang and Yooncheul. When he arrived, Byungjoo hadn't been able to find out exactly what happened, but he was able to decipher enough of Hansol's sob-speaking to get the gist of it. Now, twenty minutes later, Hansol had calmed down and Byungjoo was silently seething.

He'd known Hansol since third grade, the two of them had been inseparable since the day they met. Over the years, Byungjoo had learned a lot about Hansol. But it would be clear to anyone who met him that he thrived off of physical contact and closeness; there was no place he was more comfortable than someone's lap. When he was upset, or grieving, he often needed to cling to someone while he poured his emotions out. After Taeyang had left, Yooncheul had become that someone. And now they were gone, too.

If he were to look at it through unbiased eyes, Byungjoo would easily be able to see the reasoning behind Yooncheul's decision. He might even have agreed with it. But with his best friend in front of him, eyes red from crying and looking more depressed than Byungjoo thought possible, all he could think of was how selfish Yooncheul's choice had been. Byungjoo pushed his own anger aside and sat next to Hansol, gently wrapping his arm around the smaller male's shoulders. Hansol leaned forward to set his mug on the coffee table before relaxing into Byungjoo's side, letting his head rest against his shoulder. Some of the tension seemed to drain from Hansol, and he finally began speaking.

"Yooncheul was diagnosed with depression," He started softly, fingers toying with a loose thread from the hem of his shirt. "Their therapist said that- that it might be overwhelming for them. To try to comfort me while also dealing with Tae being gone." His voice cracked and his turned his face so that it was hidden in the fabric of Byungjoo's hoodie. Byungjoo turned so he was facing Hansol and drew him into a proper hug.

"Hansol, I'm so sorry. This- I can't even imagine how much this hurts for you," Byungjoo began softly, as if he were talking to a child. His hand moved up and down Hansol's back in a soothing motion. "I'm no good at giving advice, you know that. But you can always come to me if you need to."

Hansol nodded, although the movement was somewhat stunted by the fact that his face was engulfed in Byungjoo's hoodie. After a moment, he glanced up at Byungjoo with swollen, bloodshot eyes. "Can I stay here for a while?"

Byungjoo's heart broke at how soft and sad Hansol's voice was. "Of course," He responded instantly, tightening his grip on Hansol. "Of course. You can stay here as long as you need."

 

Yooncheul stayed true to their word and saw Hansol at school the next day, graciously avoiding any heavy subjects and making small talk with him about an algebra substitute who everyone hated. Seeing them was bittersweet; it lifted his heart briefly to see Yooncheul, but Hansol felt the burden of isolation being placed back on his shoulders when the bell rang and Yooncheul left for class.

Being in school gave Hansol something to focus on, and it helped his mood to have his attention somewhere other than his crumbling romantic life. He opted to sit with Byungjoo and his friends during their lunch hour, joining the small cluster of juniors near the arts hallway. There were a couple familiar faces, but Hansol couldn't identify anybody by name. He sat next to Byungjoo and tried not to blush when the other gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

Hansol ended the day on a better note than he'd started it, having made plans with some of Byungjoo's friends and receiving a high quiz grade in a difficult class. He stopped by his locker before leaving and nearly dropped his literature textbook when he heard a voice from beside him. "Hey- sorry, didn't mean to scare you." Byungjoo grinned down at Hansol, standing on tiptoe to peer at him from above the top of his locker door.

Hansol rolled his eyes playfully. "What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted a ride home- I mean, a ride to my place, if you still wanna stay there." Byungjoo's voice softened a bit towards the end of the sentence. Hansol couldn't figure out why, but it brought a light blush to his cheeks.

"Yeah- yeah, I'd like that," He said softly, offering Byungjoo a timid smile. He was rewarded with a dorky grin from Byungjoo, who immediately launched into a rant about how many assignments he'd been given in English. Really, Hansol was grateful for Byungjoo's offer. He needed the closeness more than ever now, since Taeyang and Yooncheul had both left the immediate picture of his life. The switch from having two people in bed with him to zero had been jarring, like jumping into cold water. His mother was gone more often than not, spending time overseas on business trips that sometimes took weeks to return from. The empty, silent home was filled with a sort of lonely aura that drenched Hansol's mood whenever he was there. Spending time with Byungjoo was exactly what he needed, and the offer had come at a perfect time.

The rain hadn't stopped. It was still pouring from the bruised sky and soaking the earth. But at least now, Hansol had a bit of shelter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byungjoo is thinking about his redefined place in the storm of Hansol's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i meant for this chapter to be a bit longer and maybe fluffy but neither of those things happened whoops. i wrote most of this in one sitting and i probably should wait a day or two to post it but guess who's impatient and an attention slut??? if u guessed me then ur right congrats enjoy some dialogue-free internal ramblings

It's a bit strange to see Hansol sleeping on his couch, Byungjoo muses as he gazes over at his dozing friend. He knows that it's considerably more strange to be watching Hansol while he sleeps, but he can't help himself. Watching the steady rise and fall of Hansol's chest is much better than trigonometry. 

Hansol had slept on Byungjoo's couch before, of course, during sleep overs and late night study sessions that spilled into the early morning. But this was the first time that it had been an act of seeking shelter. Byungjoo had friends in the past who would sleep on his porch as opposed to their ruined households, but Hansol had never been one of those friends. Not until now, at least. 

Byungjoo is glad that Hansol is asleep. Other than the fact that he needs all the rest he can get, Byungjoo can't help but feel a strange weight in the air when Hansol is awake- the knowledge of what's going on and how much it hurts him, but being unable to offer assistance that isn't superficial words and a place to sleep. 

Byungjoo desperately wishes there was something more that he could do. He knows that Hansol is more worried than he is upset, or at least he’s reached that stage. Concern about Taeyang was beginning to overpower his broken heart, and Byungjoo couldn’t tell if that was for better or for worse. He knows that Hansol has been texting Taeyang with shaking hands, checking his phone constantly for days afterwards, but the reply he so desperately awaits never comes. Yooncheul is more open with communication, talking to Hansol at school and calling him every few nights to check up on him, sharing their progress with therapy, and so on. Byungjoo is glad that Yooncheul is in Hansol’s life, even if their relationship has shifted. Hansol needs them. 

Hansol shifts in his sleep, muttering something indistinguishable beneath his breath. Byungjoo can’t help but smile softly. He stands up and stretches, popping his back several times before packing up the worksheets and textbooks splayed across the coffee table in front of him. He locates Hansol’s phone and plugs it in, knowing he’ll be irritated in the morning if he finds it at fifteen percent. A quick glance at the display screen shows a text from Hansol’s mom and nothing else.

Byungjoo looks over his shoulder at his sleeping friend, a wave of guilt crashing over him. It’s maybe irrational, given that he was only looking at the lock screen and not actively snooping through Hansol’s phone, but he still feels culpable. He quickly sets the phone down and walks back over to the couch.

His instinct is to drape a blanket over Hansol’s sleeping form, but something inside of him tells him not to. There’s some undefined line in his mind that he isn’t willing to cross, and apparently making sure his friend is warm during the night crosses that line. Byungjoo suddenly feels stupid and embarrassed for even thinking about it. That’s something movie characters do when they’re in love. Byungjoo isn’t that much of a cliche, and he’s definitely not in love with Hansol.

Simply thinking about it causes the thorny nest of negative thoughts in the back of his head to surge forward, like they’d been trying to since Hansol arrived. It was no secret that most of the upperclassmen thought Byungjoo was in love with Hansol, or maybe dating him also. But he wasn’t. Byungjoo had moved past the stage of denying his sexuality, but just because he was gay didn’t mean he was in  _ love  _ with Hansol. 

And even if he was, now wouldn’t be the time for it. Byungjoo knew that what Hansol needed was emotional support and a place to sleep, not a romantic confession, 

Sighing, Byungjoo grabbed the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and carefully arranged it around Hansol’s sleeping form. Regardless of what either he or Hansol feels, he’s not going to let his friend go cold. 


End file.
